가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다 (If the outgoing words are kind, the incoming words will be kind too)
Meaning
Have you ever noticed how a simple kind word can change the entire vibe of your day? It’s amazing how much power words hold.
In Korean, there’s a proverb that beautifully sums up this concept: "가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다", which translates to "If the outgoing words are kind, the incoming words will be kind too." In other words, what you give is what you get — especially when it comes to how we talk to each other.
This proverb is all about reciprocity in communication. If you approach someone with kind words, chances are, they'll respond in kind. But if your words are harsh or rude, you’re probably not going to like what comes back. It’s like throwing a boomerang made of compliments or criticisms — what you toss out is bound to return.
Why Words Matter
Have you ever wondered why people sometimes seem to respond differently depending on how you approach them? It’s all about the energy we project through our words. Communication is more than just speaking; it’s a delicate balance of tone, intention, and empathy. The Korean proverb reminds us that when we start a conversation on a positive note, it often sets the stage for a more pleasant exchange.
But let's be real—sometimes it’s hard to be kind, especially when the other person isn’t being so pleasant. That’s where the magic of this proverb comes in. It challenges us to choose kindness even when it feels difficult. And more often than not, it works like a charm. To bring this concept to life, let me share a few stories that illustrate how "가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다" can play out in everyday situations.
Example Story: Family Feud Averted
Family gatherings can be tricky. Emotions run high, old grievances resurface, and it doesn’t take much for a pleasant dinner to turn into a scene from a soap opera. Let’s say you’re at a family dinner, and your aunt brings up a touchy topic—your career. “So, when are you going to get a real job?” she asks, with that all-too-familiar condescending tone.
Ouch. You’re tempted to snap back, “Maybe when you stop meddling in my life!” But instead, taking a deep breath, you respond with a smile and say, “I love my job, but thanks for asking. It’s been really fulfilling for me.”
Your aunt, expecting a defensive reaction, softens. She doesn’t press the issue further, and the conversation moves on without any awkward tension. Later, she even asks more genuinely about your work, showing interest rather than judgment. By responding with kindness, you diffused a potentially heated moment and kept the peace at the dinner table.
Similar English Proverbs
We can easily think of two English proverbs that share similar meanings: "What goes around comes around." and "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."
Both proverbs echo the idea of how our actions, especially how we treat others, tend to come back to us. Let’s dive into each one and compare them with the Korean proverb.
1. What Goes Around Comes Around
This English proverb emphasises the idea that your actions, whether good or bad, will eventually return to you in kind. It's rooted in the concept of karma, suggesting that people who do good will eventually be rewarded, while those who do harm will face the consequences of their behaviour.Comparison with "가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다"
At first glance, "What goes around comes around" and "가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다" seem quite similar, as both deal with the idea that behaviour (or words, in the case of the Korean proverb) will come back to the person who initiates it. However, there are some subtle differences.
Focus on Words vs. Actions
The Korean proverb focuses specifically on communication, stressing how words can shape relationships. If you speak kindly, others will likely respond with kindness.
On the other hand, "What goes around comes around" applies more broadly to all kinds of actions, not just words. In essence, the English proverb carries a slightly more expansive karmic tone, implying that everything we do will eventually have consequences.
Tone and Implication
"What goes around comes around" often carries a warning or moral undertone. It suggests that people who act negatively or cruelly will "get what's coming to them," giving the phrase a more universal moral weight.
By contrast, the Korean proverb is more about fostering positive interactions in daily life through gentle, kind speech. While it shares the notion of reciprocity, it lacks the moralistic undertone of warning or judgment. It’s more of a gentle reminder about the power of words rather than a cautionary phrase.
Emphasis on Immediate Reciprocity vs. Long-Term Karma
"가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다" implies a more immediate and direct response. Speak kindly, and you’re more likely to receive kindness in return — often right in the moment. The idea is that conversations are reciprocal, and the mood is set by how you begin.
Meanwhile, "What goes around comes around" suggests a longer timeline. You might not experience the consequences of your actions immediately, but eventually, they will catch up to you. The focus is on long-term outcomes rather than instant reciprocity.
2. You Catch More Flies with Honey than with Vinegar
This proverb suggests that you’re more likely to achieve your goals or get a positive response if you use kindness rather than harshness. The idea is that people are more inclined to cooperate or respond favourably when they are treated with respect and sweetness, rather than being criticized or treated rudely.
Comparison with "가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다"
Both proverbs advocate for kindness as a strategic and effective way to influence others positively. "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" emphasises that a friendly, kind approach is far more effective in getting what you want, whether that’s cooperation, agreement, or goodwill. Similarly, the Korean proverb stresses that speaking kindly will prompt a kind response in return, fostering positive exchanges. The key similarity is the idea that kindness isn’t just morally right — it’s practical.
One subtle difference lies in the purpose of the kindness. "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" implies that kindness is used as a tool of persuasion or influence. The focus is on what you can gain from being sweet — cooperation, agreement, or a favourable outcome.
In contrast, "가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다" centres around reciprocity in communication. It’s less about manipulating outcomes and more about the natural give-and-take of human interaction. You aren’t kind to get something out of someone; you’re kind because it creates a pleasant environment where kindness flourishes.
Conclusion: The Boomerang Effect of Kindness
The beauty of "가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다" is that it’s not just about receiving kindness in return—it’s about creating a ripple effect. When you speak kindly, you set off a chain reaction that can lead to more positive, meaningful interactions.
Of course, life isn’t perfect, and not everyone will always respond to kindness with kindness. But even in those moments, you can take pride in knowing that you contributed something positive to the conversation. And who knows? Your kind words might plant a seed that changes the other person’s perspective later on.
So next time you’re faced with a difficult situation, remember this Korean proverb. Send out kind words, and you just might find that kindness boomerangs right back to you.